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Feelings are inevitable. We didn't know when it will appear. All my life, I just know it exists without really paying close attention and get in touch with it. Whenever I feel an uncomfortable feeling, I just kept ignoring it. But I believe, it never truly leaves me. It is stored somewhere in my subconscious mind, and what I'm afraid of is coming true.
***
A couple of years ago, which is around 2018. I felt something weight in my chest. It feels like my chest burns every time I tried to take a deep breath. I started to feel sluggish every day. It's not easy for me to spending time with other humans because meeting them drained my energy. I got trouble sleeping at night. With all those symptoms, I knew there's something wrong within me, but I keep ignoring it.
You know, I think life must go on, and I cannot stop. I live my life, as usual, I treated myself like nothing happened. I ran my errands, take care of my family, connect with friends, etc. After six months, it's getting worse. My body also telling me alerts, such as I can't easily concentrate on what I'm working, I got slight diarrhea almost every week, lose appetite, hair loss, dry lips, and redness spot emanate in my skin. I keep distancing with others, including my family. I find my new habit of locking myself in my room.
There was a night where I stay awake, I think about how long I've been in that kind of situation. I realize it's been a year since I'm feeling a burden in my chest. I told myself, "You can't stay like this, there must be something wrong with you, go figure out what it is,"
But I continue to ignore it. I suppressed what I'm feeling anymore.
I always knew this is probably a mental health issue since I feel those emotional and physical pain symptoms, but I denied to see that as an ailment. I didn't want to seek help. I didn't want to tell people what I'm feeling. What I believe is, people only hear what they want to hear. That's why in some cases people have to pay someone else to listen to them. No one ever has real empathy until they love you. But I also didn't want to bother people who love me with my trouble. And my mentality is: nobody will save me except myself. I have to help myself to live in this world, no matter what will happen next.
Day went slowly, I spent long-tiring nights. Whenever I lay on the bed, I can't keep myself to hear noises coming out of nowhere. I feel like my head wants to explode. I started to think, life is hard. All negative feelings coming in. And usually, I started to cry. It's crazy because whenever I cried, I couldn't stop. I'm starting to feel anxious every day, and whenever that feeling came, I play the piano. That's the only thing I know could help me cope with my anxiety, yet it's clearly unhealthy because I ended up not sleeping at night.
The apex of all pressured feelings is I couldn't control my subconscious mind anymore. There's one day where I cry and scream out loud in my room, yet actually, I didn't mean to do that. It's just happened out of my control.
While my crying outbursts, I keep telling myself to shut up by telling myself these phrases: ensure it, control it, keep it up (these phrases are simple but save my soul million times). I continue having no idea what's going on, but I tried hard to keep myself sane by asking myself some questions.
Ensure it! What happened? Why are you crying?
I don't know (yes, I don't even know why I am crying). My intuition tells me that this happens out of my control, and somehow I just know it's coming from somewhere deep within me. I think it's my subconscious mind trying to reach me. It all makes sense since it stored all my feelings and emotions. All my suppressed bad emotions live there too, and it forced me to release them. (I have no idea why I suddenly realize this is my subconscious mind speaking, lol)
Okay, now calm down, control it!
After saying that to myself, I felt that I can breathe easily again and stop crying.
Great job. Now, keep it up!
You know, I feel like a winner of the competition! I could finally handle myself.
***
A month after, I was concerned about things I experienced that day where that strange incident happens, then I tried hard to find a cure. At that time, it feels hard because I can't even make myself to concentrate on what I'm working on, but I have to figure out how to cure the uncomfortable feeling which emanates from within. The best sentence to draw my situation is
I'm exhausted, but I'm not giving up.
My healing journey started by watching a YouTube video. That is the first time where I find Nathaniel Drew channel. I watch two videos titled
How I Organize My Thoughts: A Simple Guide and
How To Deal With Your Emotions: A Conversation With My Mom. (If you want to know what those videos all about I write about it on my Instagram:
@linguisticstudent)
From watching his videos, I started to help myself by making him one of my mentors. As he said in one of his videos that it is a necessity to have mentors, and if we don't meet those types of people we admire in our closest circle, it's significant to find them through YouTube or books because those people are good influences who will be our guides.
Nathaniel was right. I slowly getting better after I find a book written by Daniel Goleman titled Emotional Intelligence. This is the first book that opens my mind about psychology and how to handle uncomfortable feelings.
Then, I read Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less written by Gregory McKeown. This is the second book that helping me a lot to find mental clarity by becoming an essentialist.
Years went by, I find many new mentors, mostly entrepreneurs (plan to reveal them on the next post, hehe). I continue getting better day by day because I also followed Nathaniel's piece of advice to pour everything inside my head into a journal. Writing makes my mind clear because by doing that, I get in touch with all my feelings and emotions. A clear mind brings a healthy soul.
Until March 15, 2020. It's midnight, and I felt surprised because I don't feel any weight and burn feeling again in my chest. Before I went to sleep, I took many deep breathes, but it wasn't there anymore. That's the moment where I scream, but this time I did it consciously, lol.
ALL PRAISE GOES TO ALLAH! I AM HEALING! (insert sujood in here)
From that time, I never spent a day without journaling because it helps me in how to understand my feelings by elaborating it into words.
Here are some things that I learned:
1. I learned to be honest about what I'm feeling every day and never suppress bad emotions anymore;
2. I learned to accept my shortcomings and vulnerability (forgive yourself, don't judge yourself because people doing it for you, for free);
3. I learned to express what I feel towards other people;
4. I learned to find what I want in life and knowing who I am (no one can dictate my decision);
5. I learned that the root of all anxious feeling is pressure;
6. I learned that nobody 'really' cares about what I do as much as I do to myself (try new things, it's okay to fail, it's your failure, people has nothing to do with it);
7. I learned that 'focus on myself' mindset is a necessity to gain my confidence to perform better at things (if people try to compare you, it's their basic specification as a human, human loves to compare and judge. you too, right? lol).
Today, I'm fully healing. I even feel more blessed, because I find myself happier, healthier, less overthinking (better at decision making); and be more mindful of seeing & accepting things.
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